Moving On!

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Moving on sometimes involves literally moving somewhere…in my case, to my old home town.
I found a beautiful flat right in the town center. It’s not too big and not to small and it was important for me that it had two rooms, not just one….because I hate people sitting on my bed when they visit me, or everything smelling of food when I cook something.

I can not put into words how much this new beginning means to me. It’s exactly what all my therapist have been telling me to do for all these years. It was a huge step but now that it’s done, I also feel that it’s been a necessary one.
Although I haven’t been feeling my best lately and I’m quite sick and depressed most of the time, I do think that it’s nice not having to justify for the way you’re feeling. I can feel shitty as long as I want and I can stay in bed all day if I have to, without someone asking stupid questions….it’s strangely liberating 😉

For the last two weeks I have been so busy and even though the moving process was very hard and quite stressful, I felt really well. I hadn’t been feeling so good  in a long time. Although it lasted only for a couple of days, it really raised my spirits a bit. But unfortunately those days are the exception rather than the rule 😦

Besides, I’m scared to fail again. I’m not in good shape, neither physically nor mentally…how am I supposed to survive nursing school? My best friend told me to be more optimistic, but honestly…I just see myself failing over and over again…having mental breakdowns and screwing up my life forever. So far I have neither graduated nor finished my apprenticeship…and nursing school is not going to get any easier. No one will pay any attention to whether I feel good or not…if  you don’t work hard enough or are sick too often you just get fired…and that’s that. And then I will really have NOTHING.
I would be forced to go back to live with my parents without any completed training or education and as if that wasn’t enough, my parents would lose all the money they payed for my furniture and the flat.

Right now I’m just scared…I really want to live like a normal person and live a normal and happy life but I can’t…my body won’t let me. I really don’t know how to be healthy and normal. And most of all I think that I don’t even know how to be happy. I just lost my ability to feel anything even remotely happiness-related I think.

Wow…now that’s a thing to tell the psychiatrist that I have to go to next week for the first time. I don’t think that he can possibly help me but it’s worth a try….even though I already know that I can’t take any meds due to my cardiac afflictions and my risk for thrombosis.

xoxo

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Decisions…Anxiety, Depression, Meds, Time Off

The last couple of days have been extremely difficult for me…and I’m afraid that the rest of the week is not going to be any different.
Yesterday, while I was facing the seemlingly unbearable task to start my last (and 7 weeks long)  internship at a canteen kitchen, of which, the mere thought, had already been triggering a 48h panicky state in my nervous system somehow…I decided to finally make the decision to take some time off school.

I. JUST. CAN’T. PRETEND. I. AM. OK. ANYMORE.

To make sure that I wouldn’t back out of it again, I texted my friends to tell them about my decision. Many of them said that they were relieved to hear that I had finally listened to my body and my inner voice, that had already been SCREAMING at me for months, to finally stop it…just stop.
Over the last couple of months my immune system basically started to shut down (or as I put it: “My immune system is a full-time asshole who constantly gives me the finger!”) I’ve been feeling sick constantly…had a gastritis and for the last 4 weeks I’ve been suffering from a nasty herpes infection, plus a nice cold with loads of phlegm, pus, blood and basically every other fluid that could possibly come out of a human’s nose -.-*
My doctor told me that all this, is basically a result of the constant stress my body is under. Even the meds I take for my tachycardia can’t keep my pulse frequence low anymore…when I sat at my doctors office, without having any kind of stress, I had a resting pulse of about 100.
Well, welcome to my life, which basically is like running a marathon 24/7.

She gave me the address of a psychiatrist and some Opripramol that I’m now supposed to try out for the next couple of days. I don’t really know if I should take them. All these years I’ve always been proud of fighting my depression and anxiety without meds but this vicious circle I’m in right now basically forces me to take desperate measures so to say.

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Therapy 2.0

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“Mental illness is rarely about finding solutions; it’s more about managing expectations!”

And right now, I’m desperately trying to do exactly that – to manage my expectations. There are no solutions for me.I’m going to be back to therapy very soon. When I saw my therapist yesterday, she considered my “increasingly unstable”, “prone to stress” and “unable to cope properly”.

I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread.