Moving On!

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Moving on sometimes involves literally moving somewhere…in my case, to my old home town.
I found a beautiful flat right in the town center. It’s not too big and not to small and it was important for me that it had two rooms, not just one….because I hate people sitting on my bed when they visit me, or everything smelling of food when I cook something.

I can not put into words how much this new beginning means to me. It’s exactly what all my therapist have been telling me to do for all these years. It was a huge step but now that it’s done, I also feel that it’s been a necessary one.
Although I haven’t been feeling my best lately and I’m quite sick and depressed most of the time, I do think that it’s nice not having to justify for the way you’re feeling. I can feel shitty as long as I want and I can stay in bed all day if I have to, without someone asking stupid questions….it’s strangely liberating 😉

For the last two weeks I have been so busy and even though the moving process was very hard and quite stressful, I felt really well. I hadn’t been feeling so good  in a long time. Although it lasted only for a couple of days, it really raised my spirits a bit. But unfortunately those days are the exception rather than the rule 😦

Besides, I’m scared to fail again. I’m not in good shape, neither physically nor mentally…how am I supposed to survive nursing school? My best friend told me to be more optimistic, but honestly…I just see myself failing over and over again…having mental breakdowns and screwing up my life forever. So far I have neither graduated nor finished my apprenticeship…and nursing school is not going to get any easier. No one will pay any attention to whether I feel good or not…if  you don’t work hard enough or are sick too often you just get fired…and that’s that. And then I will really have NOTHING.
I would be forced to go back to live with my parents without any completed training or education and as if that wasn’t enough, my parents would lose all the money they payed for my furniture and the flat.

Right now I’m just scared…I really want to live like a normal person and live a normal and happy life but I can’t…my body won’t let me. I really don’t know how to be healthy and normal. And most of all I think that I don’t even know how to be happy. I just lost my ability to feel anything even remotely happiness-related I think.

Wow…now that’s a thing to tell the psychiatrist that I have to go to next week for the first time. I don’t think that he can possibly help me but it’s worth a try….even though I already know that I can’t take any meds due to my cardiac afflictions and my risk for thrombosis.

xoxo

I’m Still Alive…

Wow…it’s really been quite some time since my last post and I kind of missed blogging I have to admit 🙂

I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff and it’s been pretty overwhelming recently. My life is changing…in good and bad ways…but nevertheless, change is a good thing and I’m trying to embrace it.

It’s not so much about depression and stuff anymore….and that’s awesome I guess, but it’s also something that I still need to learn to let go off in a way.
I feel like something really has to change about this blog…and it probably will.
Maybe it’s even going to be deleted….because sometimes, a fresh start is needed.

Of course I will keep you guys informed about all the changes and will post the new blog url here as soon as I’ve made up my mind 😉

Xoxo

Prison Island

I’m currently sitting on a plain, uncomfortable metal bed in a tiny, mosquito-infested room, with 6 other people….3 girls and 3 guys. One of them actually had to put a mattress on the floor to have a place to sleep, cause there aren’t enough beds.
The bathroom and the hallway look like some sort of abandoned hotel room and supply closet….not really cozy. Thinking about the fact that I’m gonna have to endure this for 6 weeks makes me wanna cry to be totally honest -.-*

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Welcome to hell…and our first internship :/
I’m terribly tired and knowing that I won’t be able to sleep due to a lack of oxygen in the room and the heat in here…is not really comforting 😦
Tomorrow I have to get up at 5 in the morning…so I’ll try to get a bit of sleep at least…

To be continued….

Just.Not.Good.Enough…

I’m not really happy with myself at the moment.
Although I guess when other people look at me they don’t really know what my damn problem is. School has been going quite well recently and I’m definitely going to be there next year. Yes I made it and I worked my ass off to get this far. The thing is, that’s what others think….my parents, my friends. Of course, I’m happy too, but again…not really. I’m not satisfied with myself. I’m always looking at myself in the mirror going “You could have done better! You could’ve worked harder. Why did your grades average out at 2.2 (B) and not 1.8….or like you friend’s at 1.4 (A)? You.Are.Not.Good.Enough. Period!”

Momentarily, it’s like every single aspect of my life is just there to show me, that I have a serious problem. If I had to name said problem it’d probably be: “Girl, you have serious self-esteem issues and everyone around you enjoys the fact that you let them shove it right back down your throat every time you think you could finally get somewhere in life.”
Yeah…that’s probably it.
And what’s even worse about the whole situation is, that I can’t even tell if it’s me…or if I’m not, in fact, just simply surrounded by assholes ö.Ö I guess it’s a bit of both.

Continue reading

Freaking Out

I’m school right now…trying to wrap my mind around all the things I still have to do this week…I’m a bit overwhelmed to be totally honest.

I really have to study for the upcoming exams in anatomy because I’ve been told that there’s a certain danger of me having to repeat the entire year because my grades are not good enough in that subject 😦

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human spine and spinal chord

I’m so anxious that I might not make it :/ I love the Job I chose for myself and I’m somewhere in my life right now where I never thought I’d ever be some day, but I’m incredibly happy and proud of myself that I’ve made it this far….and I’m not going to give up.
But as long as I can think back I’ve always had the feeling that I could have done better…I’ve never been entirely happy with myself and my achievements. Many people actually think that I’m not really ambitious at all…but I am. In fact I’m so anxious to be SOMEONE that my own ambitions regularly seem to be beyond my abilities…and that’s discouraging…to say the least :/

My father always tells me things like:”Work as hard as you can but please keep in mind that you’re sometimes not able to cope as well with stress as others can. Think of your health!”
Yeah I know…but I hate it to be the “mentally instable’ little thing that always has to be specially treated to achieve something in life…and that it takes me much longer Most of the time to get things done…and done well.

The Worst Thing About School…

…is the cooking :/

We have to cook something every week and are graded for it…so there’s absolutely no way I could wriggle myself out of it.
Honestly, I like cooking in general…as long as I don’t have to eat it, especially when I was told what to cook…and mostly, what my teacher wants me to cook TOTALLY differs from my opinion of how a perfect meal has to look like -.-*…meaning vegetables, lean fish, fresh fruits for example…and as little fat as possible.
My teacher however, is more into the traditional German cooking…which means we’re forced to cook a lot of stuff that is greasy and full of carbs/sugar.

But even worse is, that we’re supposed to have a taste of EVERYTHING we cook. And not only of our stuff, but of the dishes of the rest of the class too -.-*
Let’s say there are 8 people, each cooking a three-course menu = 32 samples Ö.Ö

I’m constantly trying to avoid this in all kinds of ways (like discarding most of the food in a plastic bag under the table) …because I don’t want to stuff my face with loads of unnecessary calories and fat.
We’re currently cooking stuff for the obese…so the dishes are already calorie-reduced and low-fat but it’s still just gross. And what am I supposed to do when we start cooking shit for anorexics (whatever they consider as anorexic…I don’t mind if people are skinny as long as they’re healthy)? Hidden fat and calories en masse Ö.Ö….oh god.

Every week I’m just sitting there nibbling at my piece of cucumber, watching the others wolfing down loads of food…and I’m just like:

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Heeelloooo? We’re supposed to tell obese people what to eat, so they can become healthier and lead a happier life…and I think, that you have to practise what you preach…on the one hand to come across as credible and on the other hand to look appropriate. You can’t be fat and then tell fat people that they’re doing something wrong.
They’re overweight for god’s sake…not brain-dead.

The Black Dog’s Back


“The hidden strength is too deep a secret. But in the end….in the end it is our only ally

Sometimes, it just occurs to me that there is no use running away from something that is inside of you anyway…that makes up most of your personality and who you are.

Depression and mental illness in general is such a thing. It’s there, and in your weakest moments it hits you even harder than usual. Continue reading