Following My Dreams – “I Don’t Want To Be A Failure Anymore!”

After spending the last couple of months in a consistent downward spiral of health problems, anxiety and depression I finally decided that I’ve had enough.
In my last post I said that I had come to the decision to take some time off, since I had the feeling that my body and mind continued to shut down, slowly but surely. I just couldn’t take it any longer and, for the first time, was taking decisions for myself and not for my family or friends. And it felt soooo good.
And it felt even better because everybody was supporting me….except for my parents (which didn’t surprise me at all)….and that gave me the strength to continue down the path I’d chosen for myself.

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Recently I’ve more and more grown to hate my apprenticeship and school…like many young people I had to face the fact that I had obviously chosen the wrong job for myself. Yes, I would have loved to become a dietian….and only a dietian….and not some sort of underpaid, downgraded cook’s maid. It turned out to be, not the job I had wanted and worked my ass off for this entire time, but a job I wouldn’t be able to live by without asking for some extra money from the welfare agency.

I told my parents about that already a year ago…they wouldn’t listen and instead started threatening and insulting me and my friends, telling me that I was a loser and that no one would ever hire a dropout.
So I left it at that and decided to do what I had always done to appease everyone around me: I did exactly what they wanted. I went to school and to work every. single. day. feeling like a mess. I just wasn’t happy anymore….and that really started eating away at me….and I could already starting to see depression, anxiety and psychosomatic illnesses right around the corner again. And that’s exactly what happened…I felt more and more depressed, anxiety made it hard for me to leave the house (still does) and all kinds of weird, undiagnoseable illnesses started to pop up out of nowhere! Along with some actual diagnosable ones… like an aneurysm (yeah I know… fml)

For the last year I’d been trapped in something that wasn’t making me happy. I didn’t really feel content and at peace with myself and my surroundings anymore. So I decided that it was time for me to make some drastic changes to my life.
I don’t know if have told you guys before but last year in November I applied for nursing school. After an internship at the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) I decided that I wanted to become a pediatric intensive care nurse. I have never done anything so satisfying and fulfilling in my life. After a long day of hard work I came home and, for the first time in my life, felt good with myself… totally pooped but good.
It was the only internship in which I hadn’t been sick… not even one day. And that’s how I noticed that something wasn’t right, that maybe the job I had chosen for myself was wrong one.

A couple of weeks ago I dropped out of school completely after I’d had a job interview at the hospital I wanna work for and… got accepted šŸ™‚ I was so proud of myself to be totally honest because for the first time in my life I had done something only for myself and by myself without my parents knowing and I showed and proved them that I can reach something and fight for the things I want.
That seemed to surprise them so much actually, that they kind of accepted it all…without freaking out. If everything goes well I’m going to be a registered nurse by the end of 2017 šŸ™‚

I’m currently looking for an apartment so that I can move out as soon as possible. My parents, now trying to support my career plans, have agreed to pay the rent for me until September. I’m in consideration for an apartment already…I just have to wait for the landlord to agree. I’m excited and all this is distracting quite a lot of my attention away from my physical and mental health problems…I haven’t even been attending therapy for the last 5 weeks…. Maybe I should call her and remind her that I’m still alive.

xoxo

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