Lost For Words #3 – Rules of Social Anxiety


1. Walk with eyes fixed on the ground
They are watching, laughing, judging
Walk normal
Don’t focus on it too much or you will stumble and be made a fool of

2. Look like you are writing and busy in class avoid being called on
you know the answer but what if you stutter or mumble?
What if they tell you “speak up I can’t hear you”?

3. Don’t make a noise hold in that cough that sneeze that breathe
people will hear you
do not draw attention to yourself like that

4. Spend time every night before you go to bed to think
Think about all the embarrassing things you have ever done
Everyone remembers, that’s all they remember

5. Never enter a room full of people
They all look
Why are you here?
Why are you alive?

6. Your friends all secretly hate you
you know why they didn’t reply to your text you know how they all dread seeing you
you are only put up with because of pity

7. Always be scared
Scared to sit next to a stranger
Scared to see someone you know
Scared eat in front of people
Scared to talk on the phone
Scared to go to social events
Scared order at a restaurant
Scared to talk
Scared to have a panic attack
Scared to be noticed
Always scared

but don’t worry, you don’t like people anyway, at least that’s what you say
you’re “antisocial”
You don’t even care what they think
people are annoying, that’s what you tell them.
You play it off as a joke but really you’re always scared.



Stalker Weirdness

I’m not the asshole you think I am. But at the moment, I can’t help you with all the problems you apparently have to deal with…it’s on you. Sry :-*

Ok, I admit it…I’ve been a creepy bitch recently. I kind of freaked out. It was as if a certain stalker weirdness had grabbed me by my flesh tunnels…
And guess what?  I’m not sorry…not.one.bit.

Continue reading

The Black Dog’s Back

“The hidden strength is too deep a secret. But in the end….in the end it is our only ally

Sometimes, it just occurs to me that there is no use running away from something that is inside of you anyway…that makes up most of your personality and who you are.

Depression and mental illness in general is such a thing. It’s there, and in your weakest moments it hits you even harder than usual. Continue reading

Lost For Words #2


“It’s funny. Your worst nightmare always seems so far away. Then, all of a sudden, there it is, like a monstrous tidal wave. You try to escape, but you can’t. You struggle and you struggle and you struggle, your desperate cries unheard. Then, something strange happens, you stop struggling. Your cries take flight. You forget you’re drowning.” – Norman Reedus (Dark Harbor)

Lost For Words #1

“Depression, when it’s clinical, is not a metaphor. It runs in families, and it’s known to respond to medication and to counseling.

However truly you believe there’s a sickness to existence that can never be cured, if you’re depressed you will sooner or later surrender and say:
I just don’t want to feel bad anymore.
The shift from depression realism to tragic realism, from being immobilized by darkness to being sustained by it, thus strangely seems to require believing in the possibility of a cure…”

Jonathan Franzen

Potential Triggers

I don’t really know what it is, that makes me read books about mental illness and people who suffer from it.
It’s like when your parents used to tell you not to play with matches – the more harm can be done with it, the more it fascinates you.
Books are like movies, or music….for me, they are potentially triggering and therefore dangerous.
And nevertheless, I find myself reading books, or watching movies, of which I know are not really good for my general state of mind.
Maybe it’s the subliminal urge to keep on holding onto something that’s been a part of you for such a long time, maybe it’s the need to know that you’re not alone with those struggles you gotta face on a daily basis….. Continue reading