Role Conflict aka “The Hoe”

Everybody’s gotta live up to certain social roles in life, right?
We’re are daughters, sons, (girl/boy)friends, mothers, sisters, students and so much more…life is like a theater play or a movie, we act, we lie, we wear certain masks and costumes to disguise who we really are even if it’s just to be liked by people, to be accepted…or even to make sure, that we’re, at least, not being hated.

And sometimes this play’s comic, sometimes tragic and most of the time, it’s both.

When it comes to me…I’ve been playing quite a few roles lately, that I’m not really happy with, and even less proud of.
One of the roles that I never thought I’d ever have is…”The Hoe”…as I like to call it. Other people would probably just consider me a “lover”, an “affaire” or whatever terms you can come up with to describe the fact that I slept with a man who’s in a relationship….not just once, but multiple times, over the last couple of months.
I got there after his housemate went to work and left early in the morning before he was coming back from his night shift….no one was allowed to see me….they could tell someone, especially his girlfriend, of course he never told me that, but I knew it right from the beginning, that he was struggling pretty badly to keep the whole thing secret.
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Better Off Alone

I hurt him, I insulted him when he wanted to make up for the time we had lost….and  now I got my comeuppance. I’ve never hated myself as much as I do right now. I’ve been seeing it wrong the entire time… instead of being happy that he even talked to me after all the things that I had done to him, I was angry about him not being overly thankful that I had finally gotten off my high horse ö.Ö How full of yourself do you have to be to actually think that other people should kiss your feet for being obnoxious, refusing to give love but expecting others to give it to you?

He wouldn’t talk to me anymore, so I wrote him. I hope he read it.
I’m done. I give up.

***
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And I Still Want You

Photography Graphics, Tumblr Photography

Dear M.

It’s been 10 ten years, since we met for the first time. Me…an inconspicuous, chronically sick, almost anorexic-looking girl, you….a chubby kid with a habit to annoy everyone around you….including me. Now, for you it’s not about ripping the pages out of my book, or cutting my hair off with a pair of scissors anymore (because at that time, no one was supposed to notice that you liked me), instead you chose to rip my heart out and trample on it, after 6 years of telling me that you loved, cared for and would always be there for me.  You took a part of me, that I’m never gonna get back and now, this hole in the middle of me seems like a huge black abyss that every happy thing just falls into. Continue reading

The Terrifying Truth & How It Scares People Away

Have you ever tried to tell somebody the truth….a truth that is so unspeakably hard for you to put into words that you were basically trying to avoid it all your life….and nevertheless, some time you got to a point when truth had to be told….when you had to be honest  For your sake and because you knew that a person who’s important to you has a legit right to know what’s been going on inside your head for such a long time.
What has made you the person you are today.

Ever since I can remember I’ve been terribly scared of men…and I just couldn’t tell why.
I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone telling me that he loved me, touching me, kissing me. Sex was an impossible thing for me…something that I’d never do. Not willingly. Not ever. People who had sex were disgusting to me…what was wrong with these people?
That were the thoughts that filled up my infantile mind. Continue reading

Stalker Weirdness

I’m not the asshole you think I am. But at the moment, I can’t help you with all the problems you apparently have to deal with…it’s on you. Sry :-*

Ok, I admit it…I’ve been a creepy bitch recently. I kind of freaked out. It was as if a certain stalker weirdness had grabbed me by my flesh tunnels…
And guess what?  I’m not sorry…not.one.bit.


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The Black Dog’s Back


“The hidden strength is too deep a secret. But in the end….in the end it is our only ally

Sometimes, it just occurs to me that there is no use running away from something that is inside of you anyway…that makes up most of your personality and who you are.

Depression and mental illness in general is such a thing. It’s there, and in your weakest moments it hits you even harder than usual. Continue reading

Like Or Dislike? What About Love?

I’m kinda scared…I really am.
I feel sick, when I look in the mirror I look like the walking dead….I really am a zombie right now, because my heart has stopped beating quite a while ago, and ever since that awful day, I’m nothing….I’m just rotting inside a corpse’s shell.

The next couple of days are either going to be the end of a 3-month-long turmoil or the beginning of something much worse. I can’t tell yet…and I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about it….and I’m doing it anyway…every minute of my day is currently evolving around one thing: How do you reason with someone who can’t be reasoned with, who doesn’t want help and how do you mend you relationship with said person…how am I supposed to convince him that he can’t just throw everything away, including the last ten years of our lives?
How do you build a bridge over such troubled water??

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