Decisions…Anxiety, Depression, Meds, Time Off

The last couple of days have been extremely difficult for me…and I’m afraid that the rest of the week is not going to be any different.
Yesterday, while I was facing the seemlingly unbearable task to start my last (and 7 weeks long)  internship at a canteen kitchen, of which, the mere thought, had already been triggering a 48h panicky state in my nervous system somehow…I decided to finally make the decision to take some time off school.

I. JUST. CAN’T. PRETEND. I. AM. OK. ANYMORE.

To make sure that I wouldn’t back out of it again, I texted my friends to tell them about my decision. Many of them said that they were relieved to hear that I had finally listened to my body and my inner voice, that had already been SCREAMING at me for months, to finally stop it…just stop.
Over the last couple of months my immune system basically started to shut down (or as I put it: “My immune system is a full-time asshole who constantly gives me the finger!”) I’ve been feeling sick constantly…had a gastritis and for the last 4 weeks I’ve been suffering from a nasty herpes infection, plus a nice cold with loads of phlegm, pus, blood and basically every other fluid that could possibly come out of a human’s nose -.-*
My doctor told me that all this, is basically a result of the constant stress my body is under. Even the meds I take for my tachycardia can’t keep my pulse frequence low anymore…when I sat at my doctors office, without having any kind of stress, I had a resting pulse of about 100.
Well, welcome to my life, which basically is like running a marathon 24/7.

She gave me the address of a psychiatrist and some Opripramol that I’m now supposed to try out for the next couple of days. I don’t really know if I should take them. All these years I’ve always been proud of fighting my depression and anxiety without meds but this vicious circle I’m in right now basically forces me to take desperate measures so to say.

So, I’m going to take the next three months off to concentrate on myself and therapy. I already told my parents, who, to my surprise, didn’t scream, cry or started threatening me…like they did, back when they found out about me and D. (of course not D. specifically but the fact that I’m obviously a grownup who dates whoever she wants was too much for them xD)

I honestly hope that my anxiety will ease off in the next couple of weeks and I’ll be able to do normal stuff, like going to the hairdresser’s again, because the thought of being trapped on a chair for like 2 hours straight with a lot of strangers in one room is a bit too much for me to bear right now. I don’t wanna end up running out of the salon with this weird cape on and my hair covered in dye…so I guess I’ll wait just a bit longer until actually considering getting a new haircut.

I’m going to post updates on how things are going with the meds and therapy and hopefully I’ll get to blogging a lot more, now that my thoughts are not so preoccupied with school anymore. xoxo

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One thought on “Decisions…Anxiety, Depression, Meds, Time Off

  1. Best wishes. I hope this makes a difference. I’m just coming out of the worst depression/anxiety spell I’ve had in years. I had to stop all the other stuff and focus on myself. And try some new anti-anxiety meds. I’m doing much better, but have to remain vigilant about my boundaries and what I can and can’t do. I have to not push myself just because I feel better. And I have to not let the fact that I feel better make me allow others to take advantage of me again. It’s really about listening to my body when it says I’ve had too much and need space, whether it makes sense or not. And I have to quit thinking I have to defend my decisions.
    I say all this hoping maybe something I’ve figured out (that I need to work on it, not that I have it down) will help you find some peace as well.
    Ugh. Sorry it all sucks right now. I hope it gets better. Very soon.

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