Moving On!

amazing-beauty-clean-cloud-Favim.com-1896918

Moving on sometimes involves literally moving somewhere…in my case, to my old home town.
I found a beautiful flat right in the town center. It’s not too big and not to small and it was important for me that it had two rooms, not just one….because I hate people sitting on my bed when they visit me, or everything smelling of food when I cook something.

I can not put into words how much this new beginning means to me. It’s exactly what all my therapist have been telling me to do for all these years. It was a huge step but now that it’s done, I also feel that it’s been a necessary one.
Although I haven’t been feeling my best lately and I’m quite sick and depressed most of the time, I do think that it’s nice not having to justify for the way you’re feeling. I can feel shitty as long as I want and I can stay in bed all day if I have to, without someone asking stupid questions….it’s strangely liberating 😉

For the last two weeks I have been so busy and even though the moving process was very hard and quite stressful, I felt really well. I hadn’t been feeling so good  in a long time. Although it lasted only for a couple of days, it really raised my spirits a bit. But unfortunately those days are the exception rather than the rule 😦

Besides, I’m scared to fail again. I’m not in good shape, neither physically nor mentally…how am I supposed to survive nursing school? My best friend told me to be more optimistic, but honestly…I just see myself failing over and over again…having mental breakdowns and screwing up my life forever. So far I have neither graduated nor finished my apprenticeship…and nursing school is not going to get any easier. No one will pay any attention to whether I feel good or not…if  you don’t work hard enough or are sick too often you just get fired…and that’s that. And then I will really have NOTHING.
I would be forced to go back to live with my parents without any completed training or education and as if that wasn’t enough, my parents would lose all the money they payed for my furniture and the flat.

Right now I’m just scared…I really want to live like a normal person and live a normal and happy life but I can’t…my body won’t let me. I really don’t know how to be healthy and normal. And most of all I think that I don’t even know how to be happy. I just lost my ability to feel anything even remotely happiness-related I think.

Wow…now that’s a thing to tell the psychiatrist that I have to go to next week for the first time. I don’t think that he can possibly help me but it’s worth a try….even though I already know that I can’t take any meds due to my cardiac afflictions and my risk for thrombosis.

xoxo

Following My Dreams – “I Don’t Want To Be A Failure Anymore!”

After spending the last couple of months in a consistent downward spiral of health problems, anxiety and depression I finally decided that I’ve had enough.
In my last post I said that I had come to the decision to take some time off, since I had the feeling that my body and mind continued to shut down, slowly but surely. I just couldn’t take it any longer and, for the first time, was taking decisions for myself and not for my family or friends. And it felt soooo good.
And it felt even better because everybody was supporting me….except for my parents (which didn’t surprise me at all)….and that gave me the strength to continue down the path I’d chosen for myself.

image

Recently I’ve more and more grown to hate my apprenticeship and school…like many young people I had to face the fact that I had obviously chosen the wrong job for myself. Yes, I would have loved to become a dietian….and only a dietian….and not some sort of underpaid, downgraded cook’s maid. It turned out to be, not the job I had wanted and worked my ass off for this entire time, but a job I wouldn’t be able to live by without asking for some extra money from the welfare agency.

Continue reading