Why do I always feel like, on any kind of holiday or my birthday, I start feeling particularly depressed and sad in a kind of pathetic way?
So far, I wasn’t able to come up with a fully coherent answer, while sitting with my messed up parents and my slightly senile grandmother in our totally undecorated living room…merely, to get drunk and to unwrap the same gifts every year.
The shower gel you’re never going to use, the 10oooth cozy cotton towel or a maxi-pack of anything Milka-ish that I’m just going to eat up during a depressive episode between January and next December (despite my lactose intolerance), only to have a crying fit shortly after, questioning my undisciplined behavior and my body fat percentage.
I just think on days like these, I become very aware of how messed up I am. Any kind of holiday intensifies my subjective discomfort and my feeling of being alone, in a kind of way that makes it impossible for me to think straight.
I always feel alone and cut out….regardless of whether I’m really alone and cut out or surrounded by friends and family. Continue reading
I’m not really happy with myself at the moment.
Although I guess when other people look at me they don’t really know what my damn problem is. School has been going quite well recently and I’m definitely going to be there next year. Yes I made it and I worked my ass off to get this far. The thing is, that’s what others think….my parents, my friends. Of course, I’m happy too, but again…not really. I’m not satisfied with myself. I’m always looking at myself in the mirror going “You could have done better! You could’ve worked harder. Why did your grades average out at 2.2 (B) and not 1.8….or like you friend’s at 1.4 (A)? You.Are.Not.Good.Enough. Period!”
Momentarily, it’s like every single aspect of my life is just there to show me, that I have a serious problem. If I had to name said problem it’d probably be: “Girl, you have serious self-esteem issues and everyone around you enjoys the fact that you let them shove it right back down your throat every time you think you could finally get somewhere in life.”
Yeah…that’s probably it.
And what’s even worse about the whole situation is, that I can’t even tell if it’s me…or if I’m not, in fact, just simply surrounded by assholes ö.Ö I guess it’s a bit of both.
I’m kinda scared…I really am.
I feel sick, when I look in the mirror I look like the walking dead….I really am a zombie right now, because my heart has stopped beating quite a while ago, and ever since that awful day, I’m nothing….I’m just rotting inside a corpse’s shell.
The next couple of days are either going to be the end of a 3-month-long turmoil or the beginning of something much worse. I can’t tell yet…and I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about it….and I’m doing it anyway…every minute of my day is currently evolving around one thing: How do you reason with someone who can’t be reasoned with, who doesn’t want help and how do you mend you relationship with said person…how am I supposed to convince him that he can’t just throw everything away, including the last ten years of our lives?
How do you build a bridge over such troubled water??