Freaking Out

I’m school right now…trying to wrap my mind around all the things I still have to do this week…I’m a bit overwhelmed to be totally honest.

I really have to study for the upcoming exams in anatomy because I’ve been told that there’s a certain danger of me having to repeat the entire year because my grades are not good enough in that subject 😦

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human spine and spinal chord

I’m so anxious that I might not make it :/ I love the Job I chose for myself and I’m somewhere in my life right now where I never thought I’d ever be some day, but I’m incredibly happy and proud of myself that I’ve made it this far….and I’m not going to give up.
But as long as I can think back I’ve always had the feeling that I could have done better…I’ve never been entirely happy with myself and my achievements. Many people actually think that I’m not really ambitious at all…but I am. In fact I’m so anxious to be SOMEONE that my own ambitions regularly seem to be beyond my abilities…and that’s discouraging…to say the least :/

My father always tells me things like:”Work as hard as you can but please keep in mind that you’re sometimes not able to cope as well with stress as others can. Think of your health!”
Yeah I know…but I hate it to be the “mentally instable’ little thing that always has to be specially treated to achieve something in life…and that it takes me much longer Most of the time to get things done…and done well.

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The Worst Thing About School…

…is the cooking :/

We have to cook something every week and are graded for it…so there’s absolutely no way I could wriggle myself out of it.
Honestly, I like cooking in general…as long as I don’t have to eat it, especially when I was told what to cook…and mostly, what my teacher wants me to cook TOTALLY differs from my opinion of how a perfect meal has to look like -.-*…meaning vegetables, lean fish, fresh fruits for example…and as little fat as possible.
My teacher however, is more into the traditional German cooking…which means we’re forced to cook a lot of stuff that is greasy and full of carbs/sugar.

But even worse is, that we’re supposed to have a taste of EVERYTHING we cook. And not only of our stuff, but of the dishes of the rest of the class too -.-*
Let’s say there are 8 people, each cooking a three-course menu = 32 samples Ö.Ö

I’m constantly trying to avoid this in all kinds of ways (like discarding most of the food in a plastic bag under the table) …because I don’t want to stuff my face with loads of unnecessary calories and fat.
We’re currently cooking stuff for the obese…so the dishes are already calorie-reduced and low-fat but it’s still just gross. And what am I supposed to do when we start cooking shit for anorexics (whatever they consider as anorexic…I don’t mind if people are skinny as long as they’re healthy)? Hidden fat and calories en masse Ö.Ö….oh god.

Every week I’m just sitting there nibbling at my piece of cucumber, watching the others wolfing down loads of food…and I’m just like:

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Heeelloooo? We’re supposed to tell obese people what to eat, so they can become healthier and lead a happier life…and I think, that you have to practise what you preach…on the one hand to come across as credible and on the other hand to look appropriate. You can’t be fat and then tell fat people that they’re doing something wrong.
They’re overweight for god’s sake…not brain-dead.