Lost For Words #3 – Rules of Social Anxiety

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1. Walk with eyes fixed on the ground
They are watching, laughing, judging
Walk normal
Don’t focus on it too much or you will stumble and be made a fool of

2. Look like you are writing and busy in class avoid being called on
you know the answer but what if you stutter or mumble?
What if they tell you “speak up I can’t hear you”?

3. Don’t make a noise hold in that cough that sneeze that breathe
people will hear you
do not draw attention to yourself like that

4. Spend time every night before you go to bed to think
Think about all the embarrassing things you have ever done
Everyone remembers, that’s all they remember

5. Never enter a room full of people
They all look
Why are you here?
Why are you alive?

6. Your friends all secretly hate you
you know why they didn’t reply to your text you know how they all dread seeing you
you are only put up with because of pity

7. Always be scared
Scared to sit next to a stranger
Scared to see someone you know
Scared eat in front of people
Scared to talk on the phone
Scared to go to social events
Scared order at a restaurant
Scared to talk
Scared to have a panic attack
Scared to be noticed
Always scared

but don’t worry, you don’t like people anyway, at least that’s what you say
you’re “antisocial”
You don’t even care what they think
people are annoying, that’s what you tell them.
You play it off as a joke but really you’re always scared.

-Anonymous

I’m Still Alive…

Wow…it’s really been quite some time since my last post and I kind of missed blogging I have to admit 🙂

I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff and it’s been pretty overwhelming recently. My life is changing…in good and bad ways…but nevertheless, change is a good thing and I’m trying to embrace it.

It’s not so much about depression and stuff anymore….and that’s awesome I guess, but it’s also something that I still need to learn to let go off in a way.
I feel like something really has to change about this blog…and it probably will.
Maybe it’s even going to be deleted….because sometimes, a fresh start is needed.

Of course I will keep you guys informed about all the changes and will post the new blog url here as soon as I’ve made up my mind 😉

Xoxo

Role Conflict aka “The Hoe”

Everybody’s gotta live up to certain social roles in life, right?
We’re are daughters, sons, (girl/boy)friends, mothers, sisters, students and so much more…life is like a theater play or a movie, we act, we lie, we wear certain masks and costumes to disguise who we really are even if it’s just to be liked by people, to be accepted…or even to make sure, that we’re, at least, not being hated.

And sometimes this play’s comic, sometimes tragic and most of the time, it’s both.

When it comes to me…I’ve been playing quite a few roles lately, that I’m not really happy with, and even less proud of.
One of the roles that I never thought I’d ever have is…”The Hoe”…as I like to call it. Other people would probably just consider me a “lover”, an “affaire” or whatever terms you can come up with to describe the fact that I slept with a man who’s in a relationship….not just once, but multiple times, over the last couple of months.
I got there after his housemate went to work and left early in the morning before he was coming back from his night shift….no one was allowed to see me….they could tell someone, especially his girlfriend, of course he never told me that, but I knew it right from the beginning, that he was struggling pretty badly to keep the whole thing secret.
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Just.Not.Good.Enough…

I’m not really happy with myself at the moment.
Although I guess when other people look at me they don’t really know what my damn problem is. School has been going quite well recently and I’m definitely going to be there next year. Yes I made it and I worked my ass off to get this far. The thing is, that’s what others think….my parents, my friends. Of course, I’m happy too, but again…not really. I’m not satisfied with myself. I’m always looking at myself in the mirror going “You could have done better! You could’ve worked harder. Why did your grades average out at 2.2 (B) and not 1.8….or like you friend’s at 1.4 (A)? You.Are.Not.Good.Enough. Period!”

Momentarily, it’s like every single aspect of my life is just there to show me, that I have a serious problem. If I had to name said problem it’d probably be: “Girl, you have serious self-esteem issues and everyone around you enjoys the fact that you let them shove it right back down your throat every time you think you could finally get somewhere in life.”
Yeah…that’s probably it.
And what’s even worse about the whole situation is, that I can’t even tell if it’s me…or if I’m not, in fact, just simply surrounded by assholes ö.Ö I guess it’s a bit of both.

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You Know You’re German When…

I just found this awesome blog on tumblr that really made me laugh, called “You know you’re German when…”
I just felt like a wrting a fun post, rather than anything else…I feel awesome today, honestly I do 🙂

people who don’t speak English very well (and I’d say many Germans don’t) tend to translate everything literally: “not the yellow from the egg” (Nicht das Gelbe vom Ei) means that something isn’t quite as good as it could be….and “but it goes!” (Aber es geht) basically means “but it’s okay” or “so-so”

A “Gymnasium” in Germany could be compared to a secondary school….or grammar school. And if you wanted to translate the English word gymnasium you’d say “Turnhalle”

We’ve got several waste bins: one for plastic, one for paper, one for glass (bottles, jars etc. (and you can seperate them again into green, brown and white glass)), one for bio waste and another one for residual waste.

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Song Of The Week #1 – “My Life Changed” by William Fitzsimmons

A couple of days ago I stumbled upon William Fitzsimmons, a singer-songwriter from Jacksonville, Illinois.
On some website I read an article where he was considered “equal parts songwriter and psychotherapist”…which sounds absolutely legit to me 🙂
To be honest…this song kinda caught me off guard…considering my bad experiences involving car accidents and loved ones, this made me cry…and nevertheless, it also made me think of all the good times we had together.
A strange thing, that only music can do 🙂