I’m Merely Existing

bampw-ballerina-beautiful-black-swan-Favim.com-907365So here I am…sitting in the living room, watching a 4-hour documentation about Karl Lagerfeld and trying to plan 8 group therapy sessions for some obese patients, which I really can’t be bothered with right now, to be totally honest.

I can’t concentrate and my mind’s wandering all over the place. For the last 2 months I’ve been constantly feeling sick and sleepy….simply exhausted.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but I’ve been suffering from very low blood sugar levels. I constantly have to eat, otherwise I quickly get jittery and queasy.
I can’t work out anymore, because of that….I just feel to weak. And as if all this wasn’t enough I started having cardiac arrhythmias and tremors again.
Oh…and did I mention the anxiety attacks?

It’s just horrible. Most of the time, although I had a lot of anxiety attacks, I at least felt safe at home or when I was with people I really trust and love. But that’s not working anymore. Even at home I can feel this imminent feeling of anxiety creeping up inside of me and no matter where I go, it never eases.

It honestly breaks my heart that I can’t be with people the way I want to be….physically I’m there, but I’m weak and sick and mostly bad-tempered and mentally I’m so far away, that most of the time, I can’t remember more than the two last sentences of the conversation.
When I’m with D. I feel like a burden and a failure every tme…..I love being with him and spending time with him, but even in situations I used to feel safe with him, I now feel vulnerable and sick.
And I just can’t believe that he still wants to be with me, although I’m such a catastrophe. He so sympathetic towards me and supports me with his pure presence in a way, that no other person ever did.

How ironic, that I can’t really be with him the way I want to be….that I find the most consolation and safety in a person (again) who will never truly be mine. Apparently I tend to torture myself…and I seem to be loving it….unfortunately.
I don’t believe in true love anymore, I don’t believe in marriage and being with one person for the rest of my life…but the one thing I believe in is that people can support you in a lot of ways, and give you love (physically, emotionally…etc) right when you need it the most…and that can make them a part of your life forever…because they have a place in your heart and not in your bed or on your couch…or with a ring on their finger.

These people, not my family or my friends, were the ones who supported me the most and helped me to feel alive….especially in times when I felt I was merely existing.

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One thought on “I’m Merely Existing

  1. Oh, how this post resonates with me. I feel like a shadow in my own life right now. Present, but just barely and without any real substance. People look at me and see me and think everything’s fine, but inside I am hollow. I trust that it will pass. It always do. But right now it’s just so dark. And I am so, so tired.

    I hope your life gets lighter soon. I’m glad you have support. I’m sorry things suck.

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