Christmas Gruesomeness

Christmas…Christ.Mas….
Why do I always feel like, on any kind of holiday or my birthday, I start feeling particularly depressed and sad in a kind of pathetic way?

So far, I wasn’t able to come up with a fully coherent answer, while sitting with my messed up parents and my slightly senile grandmother in our totally undecorated living room…merely, to get drunk and to unwrap the same gifts every year.
The shower gel you’re never going to use, the 10oooth cozy cotton towel or a maxi-pack of anything Milka-ish that I’m just going to eat up during a depressive episode between January and next December (despite my lactose intolerance), only to have a crying fit shortly after, questioning my undisciplined behavior and my body fat percentage.

I just think on days like these, I become very aware of how messed up I am. Any kind of holiday intensifies my subjective discomfort and my feeling of being alone, in a kind of way that makes it impossible for me to think straight.
I always feel alone and cut out….regardless of whether I’m really alone and cut out or surrounded by friends and family.

Add a slug…or a whole bottle of alcohol and I’m instantly mutating into a brawler, lacking any self-control or common sense.
I start sending my ex messages, that are just dripping with sentimentality and scorned love and that he usually answers with a dry “You’re just drunk….again!”….which usually makes me even more depressive and adds a kind of madness to the whole thing that brings me to post hateful and embarrassing statuses on facebook, that just annoy everybody, while I think about my ex and his new girlfriend sitting under a beautiful decorated christmas tree, exchanging equally ugly knitted sweaters…and he’s giving her a little cute kitten as a present that is wearing a collar with an engagement ring dangling from it.

(as you can see those kind of things just produce strange effects on my mind…)

I my opinion, it’s just sucks to know, that you’re mostl< alone because of an illness, that isn’t your fault and that you didn’t choose to have, but which makes you a kind of “hard to deal with” person, to other people.
A person who says and does things sometimes, without control or thinking properly….who hurts people who are actually important , again and again, until any kind of apology is simply pointless and doesn’t make a difference anymore.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself how I can be a person that other people value and like to have around….and I just can’t come up with any kind of solution. Because I am, who I am. I always have a little devil on my shoulder, that’s telling me what to do and I just can’t get rid of it. I distance myself from people, because I know, that I’m going to hurt them in some way….and besides, in general I’m not such good company anyway.

I don’t have any energy to act 24h a day, as if I was ok, just to be somewhat socially acceptable…and to maintain this during my free time as well. My free time is reserved for, closing the door behind me, taking off my mask and to be just the way I am….embittered and a picture of misery, who’s attacking anyone who’s getting to close to your true self, for fear of having to “function”

99% of the people that got to know that side of me, because I made the mistake of thinking they could deal with it and would love me just how I really am, are not part of my life anymore…..even though I fought for things not to turn out like this.
They eliminated me, put me on the back burner and distanced themselves from me….often out of self-protection, sometimes out of pure incomprehension and cliché-ridden thought patterns.

I hope that my search for someone who can understand me, will come to an end some time….I’m working on myself and try my best, not to let my illness control me and to lead an independent life again….just as it used to be, before I was diagnosed….a time I can barely remember and which seems so far away that could almost be a part of another person’s life.

I’m so ready for a fresh start….I hope somebody else out there is up to it as well.