I’m not really happy with myself at the moment.
Although I guess when other people look at me they don’t really know what my damn problem is. School has been going quite well recently and I’m definitely going to be there next year. Yes I made it and I worked my ass off to get this far. The thing is, that’s what others think….my parents, my friends. Of course, I’m happy too, but again…not really. I’m not satisfied with myself. I’m always looking at myself in the mirror going “You could have done better! You could’ve worked harder. Why did your grades average out at 2.2 (B) and not 1.8….or like you friend’s at 1.4 (A)? You.Are.Not.Good.Enough. Period!”
Momentarily, it’s like every single aspect of my life is just there to show me, that I have a serious problem. If I had to name said problem it’d probably be: “Girl, you have serious self-esteem issues and everyone around you enjoys the fact that you let them shove it right back down your throat every time you think you could finally get somewhere in life.”
Yeah…that’s probably it.
And what’s even worse about the whole situation is, that I can’t even tell if it’s me…or if I’m not, in fact, just simply surrounded by assholes ö.Ö I guess it’s a bit of both.
Everything just sucks and I don’t know why…I just know that I would give anything to be able to go to bed without crying myself to sleep. I’m just so frustrated with myself….I can’t stand my own presence and I don’t wanna be alone with myself anymore and all these thoughts inside my head.
I miss people missing me….even if that sounds silly and infantile maybe but that’s the way I feel. I mean who doesn’t wanna feel loved and know that one’s presence is needed…and appreciated.
Unfortunately, it’s always the same: When people treat you like nothing, you start feeling like nothing. I’m not that kind of person who can be above such stuff.
It’s the small things that just keep adding up…no mails, no phone calls, no text messages….and when people don’t even take their time to text you on facebook anymore or when it takes them 7 weeks to accept your friend request although they’re online every day, you know that they obviously don’t give a fuck. I mean it takes just 30 seconds to answer….just drop me some lines and I’m happy. But noo…ok. I get it.
I know it’s embarrassing to actually feel rejected because of something as stupid as facebook…but I know that facebook is important to said people….it’s their secret little world where they can be perfect and show off their 600+ “friends” and YES…it hurts when they actually spend more time writing with some strangers they met at a party than with me….I mean, gosh…how stupid of me to actually think that a 10-year friendship is more important than some alcoholic hoes. Sry for my choice of words, but if the profile pictures of these people are just cleavages and asses in skirts that closely resemble something I would wear as a belt….well, excuse me but I can’t help myself…I’m kinda disgusted.
I’m seriously thinking about deleting my facebook account…we’re all media-whores…honestly guys!