I’m not really happy with myself at the moment.
Although I guess when other people look at me they don’t really know what my damn problem is. School has been going quite well recently and I’m definitely going to be there next year. Yes I made it and I worked my ass off to get this far. The thing is, that’s what others think….my parents, my friends. Of course, I’m happy too, but again…not really. I’m not satisfied with myself. I’m always looking at myself in the mirror going “You could have done better! You could’ve worked harder. Why did your grades average out at 2.2 (B) and not 1.8….or like you friend’s at 1.4 (A)? You.Are.Not.Good.Enough. Period!”

Momentarily, it’s like every single aspect of my life is just there to show me, that I have a serious problem. If I had to name said problem it’d probably be: “Girl, you have serious self-esteem issues and everyone around you enjoys the fact that you let them shove it right back down your throat every time you think you could finally get somewhere in life.”
Yeah…that’s probably it.
And what’s even worse about the whole situation is, that I can’t even tell if it’s me…or if I’m not, in fact, just simply surrounded by assholes ö.Ö I guess it’s a bit of both.

Everything just sucks and I don’t know why…I just know that I would give anything to be able to go to bed without crying myself to sleep. I’m just so frustrated with myself….I can’t stand my own presence and I don’t wanna be alone with myself anymore and all these thoughts inside my head.
I miss people missing me….even if that sounds silly and infantile maybe but that’s the way I feel. I mean who doesn’t wanna feel loved and know that one’s presence is needed…and appreciated.
Unfortunately, it’s always the same: When people treat you like nothing, you start feeling like nothing. I’m not that kind of person who can be above such stuff.
It’s the small things that just keep adding up…no mails, no phone calls, no text messages….and when people don’t even take their time to text you on facebook anymore or when it takes them 7 weeks to accept your friend request although they’re online every day, you know that they obviously don’t give a fuck. I mean it takes just 30 seconds to answer….just drop me some lines and I’m happy. But noo…ok. I get it.

I know it’s embarrassing to actually feel rejected because of something as stupid as facebook…but I know that facebook is important to said people….it’s their secret little world where they can be perfect and show off their 600+ “friends” and YES…it hurts when they actually spend more time writing with some strangers they met at a party than with me….I mean, gosh…how stupid of me to actually think that a 10-year friendship is more important than some alcoholic hoes. Sry for my choice of words, but if the profile pictures of these people are just cleavages and asses in skirts that closely resemble something I would wear as a belt….well, excuse me but I can’t help myself…I’m kinda disgusted.
I’m seriously thinking about deleting my facebook account…we’re all media-whores…honestly guys!


3 thoughts on “Just.Not.Good.Enough…

  1. don’t be embarrassed to feel rejected. every person on this planet feels it at one time or another. it is very real and very natural. trust me. i feel it at least once every couple of days.

    when you are feeling down and out, anything that comes out of anyone’s mouth is going to feel like it’s been dipped in hatred, annoyance, or your negativity towards yourself. maybe some of the people you are around really are assholes and maybe an underhanded, ugly comment stings shouldn’t have been vocalized…

    i’m here to tell you that you ARE good enough. you’re smart enough (your grades prove that) and you are, most certainly, worthy and capable of love and genuine friendship. just because you have problems doesn’t mean that knocks you out of the running. even though you’re hard on yourself and you’re dealing with your own issues, it doesn’t mean that you deserve ill treatment.

    i will say, you have to accept yourself…flaws and all…everyone is dealing with something…something that makes them think they’re ugly or pathetic or unacceptable to others. some hide it better than others but it’s there.

    if you can’t accept yourself as you are, you’ll never truly believe when someone accepts you as you are…

    *I* think you’re wonderful. artistic. articulate. smart. and beautiful.

    • That’s what I usually do when I feel like people don’t really care…but what makes it harder is, when you love said people and when you just gave anything you’ve got to them…and have to realize that they don’t give a fuck 😦

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