Better Off Alone

I hurt him, I insulted him when he wanted to make up for the time we had lost….and  now I got my comeuppance. I’ve never hated myself as much as I do right now. I’ve been seeing it wrong the entire time… instead of being happy that he even talked to me after all the things that I had done to him, I was angry about him not being overly thankful that I had finally gotten off my high horse ö.Ö How full of yourself do you have to be to actually think that other people should kiss your feet for being obnoxious, refusing to give love but expecting others to give it to you?

He wouldn’t talk to me anymore, so I wrote him. I hope he read it.
I’m done. I give up.

***

“Thank you for everything my love!
I’m sorry that I am, just the way I am. You never deserved this. And I never deserved you….how stupid of me to actually think I did. I know I’m not gonna get anywhere in life when I keep acting like this, and that I have a problem that even therapist and medication can’t properly deal with…that’s why you don’t need me as a drag in yours.
I guess if you really love someone, you should respect the person’s wishes and leave. Never before, I realized this, like I did today.

I’m good at looking for mistakes in others and am prone to dumping my problems on said people, because I’m not able to deal with them on my own. At the same time I clutch at straws that give me a certain feeling of being normal….and yet, I’m just destroying everything over and over again with my kneejerk reactions and stupid jabbering.
I’ve been through a lot of crap in life, but that doesn’t give me the right to vent it on others. I can apologize, hoping that you will accept it, for your sake, not for mine. Unfortunately, there’s nothing more that I could do.
Exept of hoping that you will never have so much bad luck again, that you will meet a person like me ever again.

When a person gives me the feeling that I’m worth spending more than 5 minutes with…or just anything at all, I can consider myself lucky….there are not many people in my life who do that. 
You are….or were one of them and I will never forget that.

I hope that you’ll reach everything you want in life and will be happy with it. That I’m never gonna be a part of it, as much as I wanted and wished I would be, is just the logical consequence of my asocial behavior.

You can hate me. I deserve it!”

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