Have you ever tried to tell somebody the truth….a truth that is so unspeakably hard for you to put into words that you were basically trying to avoid it all your life….and nevertheless, some time you got to a point when truth had to be told….when you had to be honest For your sake and because you knew that a person who’s important to you has a legit right to know what’s been going on inside your head for such a long time.
What has made you the person you are today.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been terribly scared of men…and I just couldn’t tell why.
I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone telling me that he loved me, touching me, kissing me. Sex was an impossible thing for me…something that I’d never do. Not willingly. Not ever. People who had sex were disgusting to me…what was wrong with these people?
That were the thoughts that filled up my infantile mind.
I grew older. My body changed. I fell in love for the first time (and I’ve been in love with the same person ever since) and suddenly I was faced with a thing I couldn’t deal with.
Relationship?….uhh….emotional love, inevitably leads to physical love.
He’s a guy…he’s evil. He’s not able to love. He’s just gonna hurt you.
I told myself not to be foolish…it’s a normal thing. He loves you. He’s not gonna hurt you.
But I couldn’t shake it off…with every day the feeling that something was terribly wrong manifested itself more and more inside my head.
That was when the nightmares started:
..hot….sweat…moaning…pain…crying…fear…rough hands grabbing me..
And suddenly I knew, that I couldn’t be together with him…no matter what. I had to get rid of him. Even though I loved him….I was too scared of, yes… him.
I broke his heart…and without looking back, I went on with my life.
I kept staying away from guys. It was something I did automatically…not on purpose. And when my mind suddenly began to break and I was admitted to the hospital, everything forced its way back into my mind…the accident…death…his face…what I did to him.
And that was the first time I felt sorry for him, I felt guilt and was terribly ashamed of what I did to him. But I still had no idea why…while so many things came back to me I felt something else, something much bigger, being locked away somewhere deep inside of me. My therapist recommended me to talk to him. And honestly I tried…but everything, once again, ended up being a total mess. And I hurt him even more.
When I watched him leave without looking back at me, without saying goodbye…I knew, that I had passed the fine line between love and love-hate. The thing between us, whatever was left of it, would never be the same.
I tried to get over it. Two years of being at home hadn’t made it any easier for me to begin with and when he suddenly got in touch with me again I didn’t really know what to do. I was overwhelmed and I couldn’t understand…why would somebody get in touch with you again, after you ripped his heart out and trampled on it?
For whatever reason, I wanted to give the whole thing, yet another chance. Although I kind of knew, that it couldn’t end any better than usual (seems like we both M. and I are just BOUND TO BE MISERABLE :/)
Anyways….at first everything seemed to work out perfectly fine for us. I was happy.
But then there was this horrible night, when it all came back to me…a huge tidal wave of terrifying, repressed memories that just took my breath away and scared me to death.
Suddenly every single time he touched me I had these terrible images in my head. Images of our old neighbor that we used to live next to, when I was a child…his face so close to mine that I could smell his hot breath, his fingers sliding all over my body…touching it were it shouldn’t be touched by adults…this unbearable pain…his hand fiddling with the zipper of his jeans…and then there was just darkness and nothing else but fear.
I backed away from my boyfriend…the look on my face must have been most irritating for him and he immediately asked me what was wrong.
I turned away from him…lay down and pretended to be too tired to talk to him anymore.
Until three in the morning he silently listened to me crying…then he had enough.
He turned me around and looked into my eyes, cradling me in his arms…”Just tell me if you want to go home. I don’t know what I did to terrify you like that but you know that you can tell me everything!”, he said.
“It’s not your fault! You did nothing wrong”, I replied but I knew I had to tell him.
I couldn’t just let him think that he was the reason for my strange behavior.
It took me another two hours to finally tell him.
I don’t want to go into detail here…but let me tell you: his reaction was not like I expected.
When we got up in the morning I noticed that his behavior had changed dramatically.
He didn’t talk to me (besides “Are you ready for breakfast now?”), he didn’t touch me (he wouldn’t even hold my hand). On our way back home I felt super uncomfortable being in the car with him. For two hours he wasn’t saying anything to me, instead he called some of his “girlfriends” and his housemate. He ignored me completely.
Shortly before we arrived in front of my house, finally something came out of my mouth:
“Please, say something!”
His answer: “What am I supposed to say?”
A while later, he told me that we can’t be together…
The truth is a tricky thing…it can help you to improve the relationship with a person…or it can destroy everything. People can make you feel like vermin because they suddenly don’t know how to handle you anymore…that’s what you get as a thank you for trusting them.
Sometimes it’s better just to keep your mouth shut…if you don’t want to scare people away. Some things shouldn’t be told. Some things should be locked up somewhere deep inside of you.