The Black Dog’s Back


“The hidden strength is too deep a secret. But in the end….in the end it is our only ally

Sometimes, it just occurs to me that there is no use running away from something that is inside of you anyway…that makes up most of your personality and who you are.

Depression and mental illness in general is such a thing. It’s there, and in your weakest moments it hits you even harder than usual.

I’m currently having a really hard time coping with everything that’s (not) happening around me and it’s the first depressive episode that’s really getting to me since I started school in September again.
And what does that tell me? Never feel too safe inside that little, temporarily stable mind of yours, Girl!
Yes, yes, yes….I SHOULD have known better 🙄 It’s kinda shocking how quickly you start forgetting how bad it can really get….what that darn illness can do to your mind and body – even though you’ve been living with it for almost 10 years already.

I’m now fighting really hard, not to get overwhelmed by the whole situation and to keep that monstrous black dog from biting my butt.
The anxiety attacks, mood swings, the nausea, vomiting, aching muscles, headache….and above all that grueling, constant sadness that’s eating away at your guts.
It feels like winter and falling snow inside your soul….and it’s incredibly cold.
But nevertheless I’m relieved that I can still feel something….that means it’s not THAT bad yet….when you stop feeling anything, that’s when it gets really nasty. When you start feeling just empty and yes, dead really. You don’t live….you just exist.

School’s just an ordeal for me right now….I just feel so sick….mentally and physically. I can’t concentrate anymore.
And as if that wasn’t enough I’m currently on my 8th antibiotic….which can, as my doctor told me, trigger severe psychoses…so that’s just sprinkled on top of my heap of misery.

I’m tired.

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2 thoughts on “The Black Dog’s Back

  1. This is all way too familiar. As I read I kept thinking yep, yep, yep. You descibed it all so well.

    I am sorry your world is dark and heavy right now. I hope there are moments when the clouds part so you can find your connection to the earth again. I hope you find some peace. I hope people are kind to you as you are struggling. I hope it lets up very soon.

    And I hope you remember that you are not alone. You are cared for. You are thought of. You are of great value even when you can’t be the person everyone expects you to be.

    I’m very proud of you for writing. I hope it helps. It helped me.

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