I’m back. I’m tired. Done in…time to move on.
Don’t get me wrong, the last couple of days I’ve been sleeping more, than I probably have in the last 3 months. No insomnia, no tachycardia, no nausea…
I haven’t felt so happy and relaxed in a long time…and nevertheless I’m tired.
Sometimes, although you’re happy, in love and you feel as if your entire world is lying there, right beside you in your arms…you just gotta take a decision, even though it’s tough and can break your heart.
Sometimes, you just have to accept that it’s time to move on….not just for you, but also for the person you love.
It’s so hard for me. But at least we had a couple of nice days together. I just didn’t want to think about anything….about our lives that’d be waiting for us, outside of this cozy hotel room….and the decision that would have to be taken. I wanted to have fun, a chance to talk to him alone….I had fun, and I got my chance to talk to him. And that’s that.
My best friend sent me a text: “Please, honey….don’t let him use you!”
Don’t worry crumpet….I had no intention to let him use me….neither sexually nor in any other way. Whatever I did….I did for myself and because I wanted to. I just knew that it’d be the last time, I would see him (maybe just in a long time….or maybe we will never meet again)….so I had no intention to wreck the atmosphere, I just wanted to feel him, kiss him, smell him, touch every inch of his skin….. and tried to memorize as much as I could….so I would never forget it.
I love him, and I always will and I respect his decision that he can’t or doesn’t want to commit himself to anyone at the moment or that he wants to join the Bundeswehr (German armed forces) in summer. But just as I respect his decision I hope he respects mine, that I don’t want him to get in touch with me as long as he’s not 100% sure what he wants. For me it’s basically all or nothing….and I don’t want to be put on one level with the whores his housemate always occupies himself with.
I’m better than that… I still have a bit of self-esteem….and he should know it.