Like Or Dislike? What About Love?

I’m kinda scared…I really am.
I feel sick, when I look in the mirror I look like the walking dead….I really am a zombie right now, because my heart has stopped beating quite a while ago, and ever since that awful day, I’m nothing….I’m just rotting inside a corpse’s shell.

The next couple of days are either going to be the end of a 3-month-long turmoil or the beginning of something much worse. I can’t tell yet…and I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about it….and I’m doing it anyway…every minute of my day is currently evolving around one thing: How do you reason with someone who can’t be reasoned with, who doesn’t want help and how do you mend you relationship with said person…how am I supposed to convince him that he can’t just throw everything away, including the last ten years of our lives?
How do you build a bridge over such troubled water??

 Tumblr Photography, Photography Graphics, Photography

I really have no idea….and nevertheless,  I’m gonna try to manage the impossible….because I love him so much that I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him.
He’s the only person I’ve ever really trusted completely and with every single part of my heart and soul.
Everything I had to give….I gave to him. I let him touch me…physically and emotionally…because I felt safe with him and always knew that he wouldn’t hurt me. If I looked for love and someone who could give me security, I would always go to him and could be certain that he’d make me feel better in a matter of seconds. The mere sight of him, could make me go from absolutely anxious and upset to relaxed…..he was, and still is, like a magical zen-like balance that spreads through your entire body.
He’s a very helpful person, does everything for the people who mean most to him…..his friends, his family….well and me, At least he used to do everything for me and made me feel like the most beautiful person in the whole wide world….up until a point about three months ago.

He started to get dismissive. Said he couldn’t meet me because he had to work or had to learn for his upcoming exams…stuff like that. I wasn’t even allowed to call him anymore “Well, you know…I don’t know where I’ll be in a couple of hours…I’ll probably be at work! Can I call you later?” He never did.
Mostly when he told me something like that I could see pictures of him partying with some other girls and his shitty housemate, the very next day on facebook (have I ever mentioned that facebook’s a pain in the ass? ;(), plus some more than ambiguous messages on his wall from said girls that he always happily replied to….arranging dates for “dvd nights” (yeah…for suuure -.-* I heard stories about “sex parties” and stuff like that) on weekends he’d already told me, he wouldn’t have time for me because of whatever fucking excuse he had come up with before I asked him.

I asked him about it….about the girls, about the parties. He never really replied honestly and just kept beating around the bush coming up with things like: “Well…I really don’t know what I am supposed to have done, that you suddenly can’t trust me anymore. But hey, I afraid I’ll have to live with it.”
From that day on, things just got worse and worse. He almost stopped talking to me entirely, and if I asked him something he just snapped at me or gave me an uncommunicative answer that mostly consisted of “Yes” or “No” or “hmm” and “I don’t know”.
A couple of days later he sent me a mail….a mail I never wanted to get but there it was….telling me that he couldn’t do “that” anymore, that he needed some time off, that he had to sort things out in his life and that he would lie if he told me that everything was ok.
The last sentence was: “I know we’ll get our chance some time, and we’ll take it…but it’s not gonna be tomorrow or the day after that…It’s gonna take some time. I love you”

The three months that followed that email in a nutshell:
1. I cried and was drunk for two weeks straight…so drunk in fact that my teachers asked me if everything was ok and my parents started questioning my ability to drive to school, and as if that wasn’t enough already I suffered from another very bad depressive episode.

2. he started calling me again….mostly in the middle of the night, mostly drunk. He started sending me texts again asking me if I wanted to come over. The only thing I could do was to answer: well YOU wanted a break from me… you get your break….so use it to make up your mind.

3. I got terribly sick….and I’m still sick. I’ve been suffering from a severe metritis (a inflammation of the uterus) and candida infection for the last 2 months because my body reacted allergic to a new contraceptive I tried because I always got a fever from my old one. I already had to take 6 (!!!!) different antibiotics and nothing really seems to help. I hate it.

4. he kept texting me asking me out. I kept telling him I was sick. I guess he didn’t believe me.

5. After writing with one of my best friends and bitching about me….calling me “too demanding”, a “control freak” and telling her that he “couldn’t be arsed for (YES…arsed for) all that relationship crap” I text him that the control freak wouldn’t bother him ever again. He tried to call…I didn’t answer. Instead I blocked him on facebook (pain in the ass) and felt terribly relieved that I couldn’t go on his page anymore to read all this terrible shit there. I wouldn’t have to see those other girls texting him anymore….juuhuuu.

6. two weeks later, he noticed that I blocked him and send me following text: “You honestly block me on facebook… are so fucked up. Don’t enter my life EVER again!”
(Note: he’s a facebook whore…honestly. He’s got like over 600 friends on facebook and keeps collecting them like other people collect stamps or something. For him and his friends (aka “la familia”) facebook friends are tantamount to social importance…..HOW STUPID IS THAT??? xD)

I couldn’t let him get away with that…was I hurt? Yes! Did I feel like punching him in the face? Oh YES! But I was the one to write him again telling him that he couldn’t just throw away everything we’ve had together.
And so…two hours after his “outburst” he answered: “Why don’t you give us the chance to talk about everything? Our lives, our love. Just me and you. Just let us go somewhere for a couple of days…to the Baltic sea or something. Just let us take some time off!”

First I didn’t want to go…but he kept asking and a couple of days ago I finally said yes. Because I want the whole thing to end….in a good or bad way…I don’t care. I just want it to be over. My mother encouraged my decision to talk with him somewhere, where his stupid friends and his dysfunctional family can’t bother us but she also told me that she doesn’t trust him, that she’s afraid that he’ll freak out some day and that he will hurt me…not just emotionally but physically.
I don’t think so…but it’s good to know that I can call my parents if things should go awry.
So on January 2nd I’m gonna go on a three days trip with a person I love, but haven’t seen in three months. It’s gonna be so weird but I want to talk to him….I need that. And btw….and even if it sounds strange: I miss him….terribly.

Horrible, things were said, and some shit as been going on between us….but we’ve been through so much together. Through his death (and his miraculous recovery) after a terrible accident. My time in hospital, my suicide attempts, my depression that still haunts me most of the time.
So much happened between us since we’ve met for the first time almost 11 years ago.
And I’m not gonna give up on him and on my memories just like that.
I’m gonna fight, whatever it takes.


6 thoughts on “Like Or Dislike? What About Love?

  1. Ugh! The worst part about relationships (of any kind) is that either person can choose to change the dynamics at any time without the other person’s permission. My first major depression as an adult was triggered by a friend changing the dynamics of our relationship. I don’t know if I will ever fully heal from that. And now, whenever my husband spirals and choses not to control his illness, it takes my life hostage. That happened on Christmas and we are still working to make it better.

    It sounds like you have a lot to talk about. I am sorry you have been so hurt. I hope you can find peace in relation to him. I hope you can find a relationship in which you feel valued (maybe with him). Please be safe. Good to hear from you again.

    • You’ve got a point there with people “changing dynamics”….sometimes I feel like (and I know that it’s absolutely not true) that all my emotions and thoughts are totally in his hand. It’s as if he was some kind puppeteer and I’m the doll he’s playing with.
      That’s the horrible thing about love….it makes you so vulnerable….and I don’t like being so exposed ;(

      Thank you so much for your kind words…that means a lot to me 🙂 It’s good to hear someone’s opinion who’s got much more experience when it comes to relationships, than I do. Of course my parents have their opinions too and it’s nice that they are constantly trying to understand….but they are not that emotionally connected to that matter and don’t know what it’s like to juggle both, that thing inside your head and a relationship.


  2. talk to him. it is important but don’t forget to guard your heart. it’s so important. my marriage has had so many ups and downs (it is currently FAR from perfect) but it NEVER hurts to listen and hear what he has to say. don’t give yourself away too easily. you had so much invested in him and you were hurt by him – that deserves a slow pace. i hope to see your thoughts after your trip. be safe & happy new year. ❤

    • I’m going to talk to him….I need to.
      I’ve been keeping my mouth shut for such a long time now that I feel like I’m already one breath short of bursting all the time. The problem is that in such moments I always start crying after two words or get so angry that I start screaming. Both is more than uncondusive -.-*
      Especially because he’s so…inert…in such a situation that I keep talking and talking and talking and after a while of him just sitting there saying nothing I’m just like: “Well???? SAY SOMETHING!”
      Honestly, I can understand him….if someone would be so pushy during such a difficult conversion I’d shut down too. And he’s someone who always needs a lot of time to think…so I will have to give him that time…even though it’s hard. and I need to LISTEN….I know….that’s the most difficult thing for me -.-* (I’m just like my mother xD)

      But the thing I’m most afraid of is, that I’m not entirely sure, if there will be any kind of conversation at all….I’m scared of that awkward silence-thingy Ö.Ö And he isn’t really a talker and I can’t force him obviously….really most of the time you’d get more feedback from a brick wall, than from him.


  3. Oh, I’ve missed you – I’ve been so worried about you when there were no new posts on the old blog for so long! As someone who spent the past 18 months going back and forth in a relationship, I can say from personal experience that sometimes it just has to end. It hurts, you have regrets, you wish it could have been better, you want what you once had … there is an entire range of emotions as you mourn. But this sounds toxic, and your health is far too precious to let anyone treat you dismissively and to bring this kind of chaos into your life. Time and distance are the great healers, though sometimes it seems as though healing will never come. But then one day, it’s a bit better. You’re happier. You’re less consumed by it all. There’s progress. You move on, to the future and to hope and to freedom ….

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