The Usual Tribulations

It’s one of those days that really makes me realize how fragile my newly found stability is and that I really have to be aware of  my mental and physical impairments…..and to be honest: it sucks.
I’m going to start school tomorrow and right now, I feel like I was swimming in a huge pool of brain stew. It’s not only hot and scalding my skin but also downright disgusting.
I haven’t felt any kind of stress or pressure in a long time, because I’ve always had the possibility to avoid anything that could’ve been demanding/distressing and now that I’m going to have certain obligations again, everything appears to come apart at the seams once more.
Unasked-for, my body and mind start to rebel against something no one can throroughly define….not me, not the people around me, not even the best therapists seem to have a clue. But it’s always been like that, and it’s far from surprising… matter how much help you get, in the end you always end up being alone with your own “diseasedness”, asking yourself: “What now?” 🙄

(SafetySuit is an awesome band….can’t wait for the new album :mrgreen:)

The worst thing about mental illness is, that even if you know all the warning signs of another upcoming episode, the chemical processes that are going on in your brain during depression or (hyper)mania, the potential triggers….you can’t do nothing about it.
Sooner or later it’s gonna hit you. You can run, you can hide….but it’s no use because your arch enemy is right up there, in your own head.

Knowing everything about your illness is supposed to make you feel better, to still your fears a bit…but in general it’s just frustrating because knowing the essentials doesn’t help…every time another episode makes everything come crashing down about your ears you feel like you gotta start all over again.
The dizziness, the constant fatigue which proves nearly impossible to get over, the excessive hunger and the resulting queasiness, the tachycardia…..migraine, aching limbs, distinct mood swings, you name it….that’s all super annoying 😡

And OF COURSE all this had to start again yesterday….two days before I was supposed to go back to school.
Thx a lot to my stupid brain. I guess we’ll never be get along…EVER.
I hope everything will turn out okay-ish tomorrow. I can’t afford any psycho-trouble 😦


2 thoughts on “The Usual Tribulations

  1. You captured everything so well! While I am saddened for your struggle, it is still nice to know when someone else gets it. Sorry it’s hitting at such a bad time.

    Luckily, it will pass. I hope it passes swiftly and that you are able to soar through your classes and be pleased with your results. If not, I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are doing the best you can in the situation you’re in.

    I hate being at war with my mind and body. Good luck in the battle with yours.

    I hope you find something fabulous in your studies!

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