“I will burn the heart out of you.”
“I have been reliably informed that I don’t have one.”
– Sherlock (BBC1)
Note: Just an apology in advance : for my English, which is not really up to scratch, for my messed up style of writing, incoherent line of thoughts and the length of the post….it’s just another proof that I’m utterly and terribly bored. Sry for that.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about other people? And by saying that, I mean not just “people”…like those you see every day on your way to work or wherever, but have nothing to do with. I’m talking about those who build your “social backbone” – people you actually rely on and interact with on a daily basis, who you can call in the middle of the night, if you happen to be in desperate need of venting this random chatter of yours or if you have a serious problem you can’t solve on your own.
People, who sometimes know you better than you know yourself and love you and accept you just the way you are.
Who would drive a thousand miles to pick you up somewhere, when all you want to do is going home. Who you can put all your trust in, that they will help you out and be there for you when you need them the most……that they take your hand if you lose your footing and won’t let go until you can stand on your own again….and who know, that you would the same for them any time and without thinking twice.
So, what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you thing about those people in your life?? Any positive thoughts? Maybe some great memories you share with them?
With me it’s different. My first thought is always that I utterly suck. Most (and especially) as a (girl)friend….but also as a daughter, granddaughter or cousin. (Gosh, I’m incredibly self-centred…I say, think about OTHER people and what do I do? I think about myself….but for a good reason, cause that’s me talking about being the source of other people’s pain obviously. So keep reading and start judging me later!)
Because….and that’s totally embarrassing and sad when you think about it….I’m just not able to give people anything in return for their friendship. I’m not as much of a friend for them, as they are for me.
Remarks such as “You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met!” (my mother) or “You are incredibly rude sometimes and a certain, overall meanness apparently runs in your family!” (my best friend), are nothing new to me. And let’s face it: most people don’t like me. Not when they first meet me and most certainly not after they’ve had the chance to get to know me better. Most of the time it seems to me as if I was a total interpersonal invalid.
It already started in kindergarten and now, that I’m about to start my apprenticeship at a private school, it’s still the same: People always try to be nice to me (not that convincingly most of the time btw :roll:) and after I’m gone, they start bitching about me, telling everyone that I suck. There even was one girl who already warned everyone about me when we started middle school, so that when I came into the class room on the morning of our first day there, when I had finally told myself that everything would going to be different, that my reputation as a bad friend and total stupid bitch had already preceded me. And damn, kids can be really cruel. She still tells everyone who wants to hear it….as well as people who DON’T wanna hear it….that I’m some kind of personified degradation of in(ter)human relations 😉 *Goooosh, suck it up buttercup…it’s been more than 10 years :|*
Anyyyyways, life at school had been pure hell for me until I met my best friend, who has been by my side for almost 10 years now.
And as for her….she’s the only person so far who has been able to withstand my total inability to properly maintain any kind of relationship. I’ve probably hurt her so many times and in every possible way that it’s kind of a miracle that she’s still around and considers me her best friend.
“I’m the worst kind of “friend” a person can have!” I once told her “And I really have no idea how the hell you can bear my presence….let alone my antics…for more than five minutes!”
At first, I got no answer….she just sat there, stirring her coffee and looking out of the window. Then, suddenly, she started shaking her head and stared up at me: “I just know that you are a slave to your own inner demons most of the time. That it’s not your fault!” She smiled slightly. “I know you better than you think….and I can see all the good things that are inside of you, behind all these bad stuff that’s going on in this pretty head of yours most of the time. You ain’t a bad person…you are mentally sick. That’s a difference!”
But is it, really? I mean, I don’t wanna use my mental instability as an excuse for letting people down.
It’s even more of a reason for me to change something…I guess it should be. Besides, I don’t tell everyone that I’m a bit maladjusted….so, with them I can’t use my illness as an excuse when I messed things up again.
So unlike my best friend, they won’t tell themselves that I probably suffer from another depressive episode every time I don’t call them back, or don’t answer their e-mails.
They just assume that I don’t give a damn.
It always takes me 3 weeks to call someone, I don’t answer mails because mostly I just don’t feel like getting in touch with people. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to go out. Just a couple of days ago I got a text message from my best friend…..and now, another example why I suck: She asked me if I wanted to go out. I ignored the text…I didn’t answer and when she asked me about it, I just lied to her. I told her that I had forgotten my cell phone at home and had to keep an important appointment somewhere. She just accepted it….she didn’t complain, she didn’t blame me….although she probably knew that I had been sitting at home, wallowing myself in self-pity. She’s always saying stuff like: “Oh, next time is gonna be awesome and YOU *wagging her finger at me* will be there!”
It just hurts to be like that….it’s not only mentally, but also almost physically painful. I wanna be different and it’s good when I notice that I’ve done something wrong, so that I can think about it and can try to make it better…but most of the time, I just DON”T seem to realize that I’ve apparently just hurt someone’s feelings. That’s why I don’t like talking to people.
Here’s an example for a (quite) likely conversation with me:
Random person: Says something like “Hello” or “Nice to meet you!”
Me: totally unaware of their existence!
Random person: “Heellooooo!?”
Me: looking up from whatever I am doing “uhm hey”
Random person: goes for the usual chit-chat
After 5 minutes….
Random person: storms out of the room….either crying or at least very upset
Me: staring vacantly into space, going like “What?”
Everyone else in the room: looking daggers at me and /or shaking their heads in disbelief…telling me something like: “It was totally insensitive to say that!”
Me: “But WHAT did I actually say that could have been so mean that she/he is so mad now?”
I guess you get the picture!
Anyways, when I started writing this, I was watching “Sherlock” with my family, which actually brought up the whole topic in the first place because when this laboratory scene was on, my folks were like: “Woah, he’s totally like you!”
“What….Sherlock Holmes? I don’t have an 200 points IQ or whatever!”
“No, we are talking about his social incompetence! Honestly, If he wasn’t a fictional character and you both met each other you would get on quite well.”
“No we wouldn’t. Ultimately, we’d just end up killing each other because no one would have any competence in compensating the other person’s incompetence!”
But they were right….about my “social incompetence” and with saying: “When you keep on being like this you end up being alone for the rest of your life!”.
And I really want to believe that. I want to believe that I suck, that I’m not able to be someone whose company others can genuinely enjoy but even I have a bit of self-esteem left somewhere deep down…and how does the saying go? – “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
And that I still have a best friend, who really cares about me is proof enough for me that I’m ok the way I am….even though I’m quarrelsome and hard to handle at times and have a bit of an unstable personality.
And yes….I’VE GOT A HEART….even though it’s hard to believe sometimes …and I guess this post wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t 😛